you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
