i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
