I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
