I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize