I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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