i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize