he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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