i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
