do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
