Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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