Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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