I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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