U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
