I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
