She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize