so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
