So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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