I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
