walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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