Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
