i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
