Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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