bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize