I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize