So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
