That's when you crack a 10am beer
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
