his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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