Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think I won the penis lottery.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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