i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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