I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
