You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Randomize
