you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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