I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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