i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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