Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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