My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
