Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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