if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
