Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
