so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
