I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
