Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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