We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
