I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
