dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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