Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
