His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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