singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
