Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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