fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
