hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
