Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize