Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
