Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
