I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
