so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize