Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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