I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
