ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
