we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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