Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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