Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
