I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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