dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My penis needs a shock collar
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
