Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
