Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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