dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
